I am constantly amazed at how grown-up Rosemary is becoming – though, as she says ‘Well, I am four now!’ She’ll notice something I’ve left in Eleanor’s reach, or tell me all about the story Chris read her the night before, or recognise and write a bunch of letters, or solve a problem. Her drawing skills are improving fast and it’s fascinating to watch and listen to her draw on her wipeboard desk, as she gradually adds and removes details, providing a running commentary of the whole thing. She listens to explanations and says ‘I see’ while tilting her head to one side. She’ll sit down for half an hour doing maths worksheets, or spend fifteen minutes using her Scribble and Write pad to practise her letters.
But then, suddenly, seemingly from nowhere at all will come a scream. A high-pitched, angry scream, often accompanied by kicking, stamping, throwing things, slamming doors. The kind of scream that I associate with teenagers, not four-year-olds. And the triggers do not make any sense. A small thing that hasn’t gone the way she wants it to can trigger the scream, but the same small thing at some other point would elicit an ‘Oh, poopy pants. I wanted it that way.’ Being told not to do something can bring on the scream, but equally it can result in her nodding and saying ‘OK, mum, I’ll remember,’ or ‘OK, Dad, I won’t do it again.’
We’re learning gradually that there really is nothing you can do for this scream. Logical explanations do not work – at least not in the midst of it. Telling off just makes is worse – unsurprisingly, really. Any attempts at physical restraint (sometimes essential if there’s a little sister in the vicinity) tend to result in bumps and bruises all round. Trying to solve the problem while the screaming is still running, is pointless, as it tends to intensify the screaming and we get the addition of ‘Stop talking! Stop talking! Stop talking, NOW!’ Trying to work out what is wrong, is equally futile. ‘But why are you crying? I don’t understand. How can I help you?’ The response to most of these is ‘Arggh!’, shouted at intervals designed to block whatever we are saying.
What works best, for the most part, is to withdraw to another room, saying something like ‘I’ll just go through and load the dishwasher. You come through when you’re ready.’ Generally, it peters out quite quickly and she’ll come through, acting as if nothing has happened. She’ll come and tickle Eleanor, or just come through and start chatting about something ‘Do you know, Mummy, that there’s an alien living in the basement?’ Sometimes, once she’s calmed down, she’ll be open to talking about what set her off, and she’ll listen to suggestions about how to avoid it in future. But, really, I don’t think it’s going to disappear completely for a little while, at least, and having strategies for staying calm is all very well, but mostly she really seems to have no control over these responses.
I know that at least a couple of Rosemary’s peers are having the same issues. In fact, Rosemary seemed very relieved to find out that one of her friends was going through the same thing, so I think maybe it’s a little frightening for her. It’s reassuring to us, too, not that it stops us trying to help her through it (and, ultimately, stop the horrible screams, because they really, really are incredibly annoying!).
How about your children? Are they or did they go through something similar at 4 or 5 years? Is it maybe a subconscious reaction to the impending start of school? What did/do you do? Should we be putting our feed down and doing time out or something, or is it better to walk away and ignore it, then talk it through when it’s calmer? What worked for you? How long did it last?
Photo taken with the Kodak EasyShare M580
My youngling isnt as old as Rosemary, yet he is still prone to the odd screaming outburst. I tend to get down to his level, tell him to look at me, then I tell him why I am telling him off. My mum has started the naughty step, which youngling hates, but he knows not to act up again.
Personally I found my parents just ignored me when I had tantrums which had the adverse effect on me. I used to crave their attention therefore screamed louder.
Whatever you decide stick to it and dont flit between the two!
Good luck and take care
Kate Collings
xx
http://www.katecollings.blogspot.com – always welcoming new followers xx
That’s interesting that the ignoring didn’t work on you. My mum swears that I never threw a tantrum at all and that she was a bit worried that there might be something wrong with me, because everyone else’s kids did. It’s quite possible she’s remembering with rose-tinted glasses.
Sounds very familiar, my four year old seems to be going through a similar phase. You seem to be dealing with it very well! When it happens here my son and I often have a screaming match and my hubby has to step in and send us each to a different part of the house.
But I think he is on the verge of a growth spurt, signs all point to it.
Yes, we have ended up in screaming matches, too. The thing is, I can spot her totalling mirroring my behaviour when I get upset/angry. Obviously, I suppose. But I’m really going to have to try to be the model of behaviour from now on. Count to ten… count to ten…
Sounds like you deal with it very calmly, and appropriately – just going into another room and letting her cool off, and then discussing it after the event. From what you say, I think that is probably a better approach than time out, or punishment. She probably can’t really control herself – otherwise she wouldn’t be screaming – so it’s better to let her regain control (which is a skill she needs to learn) and then to talk about it calmly. Punishment at the time would lead to more frustration – would be my guess.
Could it be frustration? Being ready to do more, and wanting to do more, but still having the limitations of a 4 year old.
It’s quite likely to be frustration, yes. A lot of the time that is the trigger, but sometimes it’s something seemingly inconsequential. There’s more of it when she’s tired. And… surprise surprise… more of it when I’m in a mood myself about something. The majority of the time I’m managing the calm, walking away approach, but now and then I’ve been known to stomp away and slam a door – vicious circle, here we come!
I cant be of no help as Oli is still a baby (ok I lie.. he’s a toddler but I refuse to admit it!) .. we experienced our first tantrum from him yesterday , he was screaming because he didnt want to go the way we wanted him to when he was in his reins. That may be the first and last time we use them!! Rosemary is the mirror of you!!
x
PS Loving the new site!!
Hee. Oh, you should really read Toddler Taming by Christopher Green (keep meaning to write a review of it and it’s big brother for older children). It really helped me with Rosemary when she hit that stage – until I forgot about everything I’d read in it, of course!
Thank you xx
Little S is nearly 5 and he does have meltdowns. Whether it’s just a normal thing or due to him being autistic, I don’t know, but I find that leaving him alone helps or distraction. Baby B has tantrums too, her favourite place being in the middle of a shop! Again, I walk away (obviously staying within visual range) and after a while she gets up and runs after us, tantrum forgotten.
Do you think that it’s frustration, or a cry for attention when you are tending to Eleanor? I still have to deal with jealousy from one of mine if I’m doing something with the other.
I think you’re doing exactly the right thing though and it sounds like Rosemary is very mature for her age x
Distraction can be good, though if Rosemary’s in a deep one, it doesn’t work at all.
Yes to both those, I think. Definitely an element of jealousy and frustration plays a big part, too. She seems to be gradually recognising it herself and calming down more quickly. And sometimes she’s volunteering to discuss what made her blow up, which is really positive, I think.
I think the main problem is when we react the wrong way – usually when we’re tired or frustrated ourselves!