It struck me recently how Rosemary and Eleanor both experience extremes of emotion – in different, though sometimes similar, ways.

Recently, Eleanor has become very affectionate (and she was pretty affectionate to start with). She is giving constant cuddles (and back pats) and we’re fairly sure she’s been saying ‘I love you’, though as with most children of her age, her parents and grandparents are probably the only people who would recognise this. She runs up to Rosemary and gives her huge bear hugs. Yesterday, she managed to keep hugging Rosemary while they did a circuit of the dining room. Her face lights up when she sees someone she’s close to enter appear and she has the biggest smiles.

She laughs and nods and dances when she’s happy and babbles cheerfully to us and herself while she’s playing – more and more sounds emerging and now and then recognisable words jump out. She gets so excited when she’s managed to do something, clapping her hands and giggling and even saying ‘I did it!’

At the other end of the scale, though, if you take something she’s enjoying away from her, or take her away from something (the washing machine, the stairs, her highchair…), she screeches and kicks and arches her back and bangs her head. A few times she has even thrown things in what can only be construed as a rage.

And then there’s Rosemary, who can shower you with kisses and cuddles one moment and tell you you’re the worst mummy in the whole world ever the next. Who can read a reading book, write her name (or, more often these days, ‘poopoo pants’), draw and cut out intricate patterns and problem solve astoundingly, but will still throw herself to the ground and kick and scream if she doesn’t get what she wants, or something doesn’t work right for her. Rosemary, who is displaying the traits of a teenager a good few years too early, with her door slamming and sulks and stomping round the house.

They both recover fairly quickly and are ready for a cuddle, a tickle or a bit of bouncing around fairly soon after the upset, but they both do go from one extreme to another an awful lot of the time.

I had been wondering (as you do) whether this is fairly normal for their ages or not. I see children of both ages having similar rages and tears and tantrums, but I also see plenty who seem consistently calm. Then, yesterday morning, I was making scrambled eggs and my jumper caught on the handle, causing a fair dollop of egg mixture to spill out onto the hob. Instead of saying ‘Oh woops,’ or swearing under my breath, I screamed and stamped my foot. Yes, I screamed because something didn’t work for me.

And this morning I slammed a few doors and swore because the recycling needing to be put out. The other day, I sat on the floor, put my head in my hands and whined. Yes, whined. And you know what? Chris has his moments, too.

It’s hardly a surprise that our daughters can be a bit moody.

Do your children have extremes of emotion? Do they have the same emotional temperament as you or are they very different? Do you still scream and slam doors?

I am constantly amazed at how grown-up Rosemary is becoming – though, as she says ‘Well, I am four now!’ She’ll notice something I’ve left in Eleanor’s reach, or tell me all about the story Chris read her the night before, or recognise and write a bunch of letters, or solve a problem. Her drawing skills are improving fast and it’s fascinating to watch and listen to her draw on her wipeboard desk, as she gradually adds and removes details, providing a running commentary of the whole thing. She listens to explanations and says ‘I see’ while tilting her head to one side. She’ll sit down for half an hour doing maths worksheets, or spend fifteen minutes using her Scribble and Write pad to practise her letters.

But then, suddenly, seemingly from nowhere at all will come a scream. A high-pitched, angry scream, often accompanied by kicking, stamping, throwing things, slamming doors. The kind of scream that I associate with teenagers, not four-year-olds. And the triggers do not make any sense. A small thing that hasn’t gone the way she wants it to can trigger the scream, but the same small thing at some other point would elicit an ‘Oh, poopy pants. I wanted it that way.’ Being told not to do something can bring on the scream, but equally it can result in her nodding and saying ‘OK, mum, I’ll remember,’ or ‘OK, Dad, I won’t do it again.’

We’re learning gradually that there really is nothing you can do for this scream. Logical explanations do not work – at least not in the midst of it. Telling off just makes is worse – unsurprisingly, really. Any attempts at physical restraint (sometimes essential if there’s a little sister in the vicinity) tend to result in bumps and bruises all round. Trying to solve the problem while the screaming is still running, is pointless, as it tends to intensify the screaming and we get the addition of ‘Stop talking! Stop talking! Stop talking, NOW!’ Trying to work out what is wrong, is equally futile. ‘But why are you crying? I don’t understand. How can I help you?’ The response to most of these is ‘Arggh!’, shouted at intervals designed to block whatever we are saying.

What works best, for the most part, is to withdraw to another room, saying something like ‘I’ll just go through and load the dishwasher. You come through when you’re ready.’ Generally, it peters out quite quickly and she’ll come through, acting as if nothing has happened. She’ll come and tickle Eleanor, or just come through and start chatting about something ‘Do you know, Mummy, that there’s an alien living in the basement?’ Sometimes, once she’s calmed down, she’ll be open to talking about what set her off, and she’ll listen to suggestions about how to avoid it in future. But, really, I don’t think it’s going to disappear completely for a little while, at least, and having strategies for staying calm is all very well, but mostly she really seems to have no control over these responses.

I know that at least a couple of Rosemary’s peers are having the same issues. In fact, Rosemary seemed very relieved to find out that one of her friends was going through the same thing, so I think maybe it’s a little frightening for her. It’s reassuring to us, too, not that it stops us trying to help her through it (and, ultimately, stop the horrible screams, because they really, really are incredibly annoying!).

How about your children? Are they or did they go through something similar at 4 or 5 years? Is it maybe a subconscious reaction to the impending start of school? What did/do you do? Should we be putting our feed down and doing time out or something, or is it better to walk away and ignore it, then talk it through when it’s calmer? What worked for you? How long did it last?

Photo taken with the Kodak EasyShare M580